Clueless?
by udderpd
Summary: A happy piece of nonsense taking place at the end of seventh year after the death of Voldemort. HP..HG..DG..LB..SB..PP..PP..GW. Mostly rated K


**Disclaimer: **J. K. Rowling owns the Harry Potter Universe all other claimants to anything to do with the H.P. story are simply hangers on to her glory. I thank her for allowing us mere mortals to play in her world and I promise that while I have Harry in my care nothing too bad will happen to him. I will leave that to J.K.R. herself the last book. 

**Authors Note:** A One Shot although if there is any interest there could be a sequel or two.

**Clueless?**

It was a well-established fact that he who had recently disposed of him with the much-hyphenated name and red slit eyes, was, when it came to girls, totally clueless.

Hermione Granger had been awake for three hours and felt fine, nevertheless she was still laying in her bed in Hogwarts Hospital wing surrounded by her girlfriends. She had spent the two days dreaming of attending a riotous party in Valhalla with a very attentive Harry Potter whilst her physical body was recovering from her contribution to the final battle.

_O-part of Hermione's Dream-O_

_…She was wearing a diaphanous dress that seemed to reveal more than it concealed and they were sat a little apart from the others, the other part of the 'they' was Harry who was only wearing a thong. She knew that they were apart from the others because they were not dead which was a good thing because Harry had definitely noticed her._

_She grasped a goblet of mead and poured it into her mouth, it ran all down her front, sticking her dress to her breasts and causing her nipples to be even more clearly visible._

_Harry leaned over and started licking the mead off of her lips and chin and as he moved down huskily he said, "Maybe we should get you out of this wet dress?" and he grasped the bottom of her dress then pulled it over her head._

_Now she was totally nude._

_He continued lapping up the mead and was currently working on her nipples but he was running out of mead, so she leaned back slightly and deliberately poured mead over her breasts and cleavage, it ran down over her abdomen then flowed between her legs._

_Harry's eyes lit up and he proceeded to work his way down passed her navel and over her bush, which appeared to have been trimmed, (_Note to self; ask Parvati and Lavender about that_) his tongue continued cleaning the mead from between her folds until he reached her button…_

_O-end of Hermione's Dream extract-O_

However now, most disappointingly, she was awake and suffering extreme frustration.

Lavender Brown was one of those watching her anxiously she asked, "What's the matter Hermione? You look upset."

With a 'harrumph' the bushy haired girl said, "I'm thinking about Harry clueless Potter. I have just had the most marvellous dream and it has made me want his babies but he doesn't know what love is. Will you lot hold him down while I ravish him?"

With Lavender were Padma and Parvati Patil, Susan Bones, Ginny Weasley and Daphne Greengrass; they all started giggling and answered with words to the effect of, 'only if you help hold him whilst I have my turn'.

Thus the scheming started.

Harry Potter was still unconscious in his bed on the other side of the ward; at least that was where they assumed he was. The bed was surrounded by at least a dozen giggling young mediwitches from St Mungo's and the patient was not visible to the casual observer.

OoOoO

At this point I suppose that I should relate some of the story of Daphne Greengrass, who resembled most people's vision of the Valkyrie.

Six foot two inches tall with a twenty-eight inch waist and thirty-eight inch hips, her bra, had she needed to wear one would have been forty-two DD. She was no slender willow but a perfectly proportioned warrior maiden with her long light blond wavy hair and piercing bright blue eyes she was an awesome sight in battle wielding her magic casting sword _'Myrkr-Kljufa' _(Dark-Cleaver). The sword had been her mother's and by her heritage she was a direct descendant of Brynhild, Odin's chief handmaiden.

It had been the slaying of Daphne's parents that had led her to visibly align herself with Harry and the other girls who were working to overcome the Darkness. She had been a long time study partner of Padma Patil and had never followed the Dark Side, she was also considered to be the third cleverest student in the school.

The Death Eaters had murdered her mother in her sleep; needless to say this did not best please Odin the chief of the Norse gods. He would of accepted ten of them challenging her to a duel, although they would probably have lost, so he imbued Daphne with his power so she and all who she chose to fight with were guaranteed their place in Valhalla.

She had previously been neutral however her choosing to fight with Harry turned out to be a major plus point for the Light Side; in the final battle Voldemort's inner circle had been keeping Harry away from their master until she called upon the spirit of Odin. She shone with a Holy Light and in less than twenty seconds she had beheaded Draco and Lucius Malfoy, Rabastan, Rudolphus and Bellatrix Lestrange, Severus Snape and Wormtail, so Harry reached Tom Riddle.

Strangely the other 'heroic?' Death Eaters were now trying to flee Daphne's wrath.

Then. At the end of the battle everybody had been treated to the breath-taking sight of the Valkyrie collecting the souls of the fallen heroes of the Light Side and inviting them to Valhalla.

Brynhild had embraced her many times Great Granddaughter along with the other five girls who were still conscious, Harry and Hermione were not. The pair, having fought in tandem, were physically and magically exhausted so they received her blessing, which would make itself evident and they would remember when they awoke.

Daphne Greengrass would forever be a hero of the Light.

OoOoO

It was a further twenty four hours before Harry started to awaken, although the only the only indication the seven had was a moan that sounded like, _'ermony'_ and a lot of squealing from the mediwitches who had been sent by the Minister of Magic.

_O-part of Harry's Dream-O_

_…He was at a party, it wasn't a regular party it looked more like one of those old Viking shindig's with numerous pigs and what looked like oxen roasting on spits over open fires. But he was a slave, he was a barber, he had thin out the hair of Hermione's bush and then to shave the hair away from the tops of her legs. He wouldn't mind spending his whole life doing this job…_

_…The valley was beautiful and the small cottage looked somewhat familiar. It was obviously magical and the outside was an illusion because when he went inside it was very large, he was married to Hermione and they were living here with their other six girl friends. It looked like there were twenty or thirty green-eyed children and they all were calling him dada…_

_O-end of Harry's Dream extract-O_

Poppy Pomfrey immediately cleared all of the giggly mediwitches from around Harry's bed and surrounded it with privacy screens so that she could start examine her favourite patient.

Everyone could hear some mumbled conversation between the healer and her patient then, after about five minutes, Harry's voice came through loud and clear, "Where is Hermione?"

The young lady in question gave a dazzling smile and replied, "I'm here Harry."

"_Accio_ Hermione!"

Everybody in the ward admired the feat of wandless magic as Hermione flew across the room and onto Harry's bed; there was a small problem however and she was later to remark that she was quite pleased that all of those who saw her graceful flight were female.

She had been in her bed in a standard issue hospital gown, ergo it had a completely open back with a single tie that wouldn't stay done up.

Ergo she made her trip sans clothes.

The smartest witch anybody could ever identify immediately took this heaven sent opportunity and despite Harry's obvious embarrassment slipped quickly into bed with him and started kissing him.

Seriously.

The green-eyed hero might normally have been considered clueless, but a totally naked Hermione in his bed, attempting to do all sorts of wonderful things to his tonsils with her tongue was too much of a clue for even said hero to miss. Especially after the wonderful dreams he had been having whilst he had been unconscious.

So he started to return her kiss, passionately.

It did not take very long for the rather straight-laced healer to exclaim, "Miss Granger! What do you think that you are do…?" Her complaint was cut short because she found herself outside the screens and unable to get back inside.

After about five minutes Ginny collected Hermione's hospital gown and sauntered over to the screens, she opened them and was followed inside by the other five witches, the screens sealed themselves behind them.

OoOoO

The news that Harry had woken up had spread through the castle like wildfire and people who were important in the heroes' lives along with some of those who only thought themselves important began to arrive. Amongst those present were the Headmistress and some of the professors, Rita Skeeter with Bozo and the Minister of Magic with four Aurors; the DA were being kept out of the room by the Minister. However it was another thirty minutes before the screens opened and Daphne stepped out in her battle armour and _'Myrkr-Kljufa' _was in a scabbard on her back; she ushered Poppy Pomfrey in through the screens.

"One of you decided to show your face at last." The Minister said sarcastically, obviously annoyed at being kept waiting.

Daphne knew perfectly well who he was but she vaguely asked, "Who are you?"

"I am Rufus Scrimgeour, Minister of Magic." His temper was wearing a bit thin.

"Oh you! You had better remember who has given you this peace and leave we don't need your sort here." She said in a disinterested, dreamy manner that was actually very reminiscent of Luna Lovegood.

Scrimgeour was livid, "You can't talk to me like that!" He bellowed. "I'm the Min…"

"I thought that I just had?" Daphne interrupted calmly, _'Be Gone'_, the Minister disappeared along with his Aurors. She continued, "Rita Skeeter and puppy dog, _'Be Gone'_, St Mungo's tarts, _'Be Gone'_ and Professor Slughorn, you had better return to your rooms, you are not welcome here."

"Why?" The Potions Professor inquired.

"Because you withheld information regarding Voldemort's knowledge of Horcruxes from the light side and therefore probably, were totally responsible for Moldishorts reincarnation." This was said as if she thought he should be hung, drawn and quartered.

Professor Slughorn walked out dejectedly and the Headmistress asked, "What did you do with the others?"

"I placed them gently outside the main gates, they will not be able to re-enter the castle grounds until they are invited." The blond said sweetly and then she continued, "So where are the DA?"

Luna poked her head through the door and said, "We are all out here and my Dad is with us, can he come in as well?"

"Your father is very welcome to join us Luna," Daphne replied, "at least _'The Quibbler'_ attempted to report the war reasonably accurately, _'The Daily Prophet'_, has simply been miming ministry policy and Scrimgeour's delusions of grandeur."

Poppy had rolled back the screens and the DA had all entered the ward when with a loud crash the music started.

"That's 'The Ride of the Valkyries'." Hermione bellowed above the music, then with a flash and a puff of smoke two women and a man arrived.

Nobody noticed an unfamiliar ghost drift through a wall into the room.

"Grandmother!" Daphne exclaimed rushing over to cuddle Brynhild who introduced Odin Lord of the AEsir and Eir the goddess of healing to the assembled witches and wizards.

The volume of the music was decreasing as Odin spoke, "Eir will you please heal those heroes who are injured? Then you may return to Asgard."

"Certainly." Eir said and as she waved her hands a golden glow encompassed several people, including Hermione and Harry. She turned to Professor Moody and with a smile asked, "Would you like to be completely healed?"

Amazingly Mad Eye's brusque manner was gone and spoke to the goddess with deference, "If it is all the same to you Madame, people are familiar with me as I am and I'm very used to being this way, so if it is all the same to you I will stay as I am thank you."

Still smiling Eir said, "I fully understand."

Next she looked at Professor Lupin and curtseyed, "You sir are a credit to humanity." Then she raised her hands and he was cured.

Remus thanked her and then bowing to the room Eir vanished.

It appeared that Hermione couldn't last for more than a few minutes without asking a question, "Why Wagner's 'Ride of the Valkyries'?"

Odin nodded to Brynhild who answered, "Mme Minna Planer, his first wife was a descendent of one of us, so she gave him the theme and being Wagner he did the rest."

Mme Pomfrey was not alone in having a look of amazement on her face and she said, "I have great faith that the goddess has healed everybody, so there is no need for you all to have your meeting in my hospital."

OoOoO

To everybody's surprise the unknown ghost came forward and spoke quietly to Odin, so the god waved his hand then Hermione and Harry were clad in the finest dress armour. It was silver but it shone with an intensity and lustre like none of them had ever seen before, Daphne asked if it was 'Alfr-Silfr' and Odin nodded then she whispered, "It is 'Elven-Silver', truly beautiful.

Turning to the assembly the ghost said, "It is doubtful that any will recognise me for I am the spirit of Godric Gryffindor recalled to this world to bestow honour on the first Hogwarts heroes since the founding of the school. If you would like to follow me I will show you to your new accommodations."

Not waiting for an answer the ghost floated slowly out of the ward and along the corridor, Harry and the seven girls hurried after him and they were followed by all of the others. The party went down one flight of stairs and stopped at a portrait of two women and a man who was obviously Godric, he told them that the two women were Helga Hufflepuff and Rowena Ravenclaw.

Whilst the staff and students were all muttering about the painting not having been there before Godric told Harry and his girls that the password was 'Arwr'. (A Welsh word for hero.)

Luna pushed her way through all of the people, dragging Ron behind her, she kissed Harry on the cheek and said, "We are both very glad that you are awake and alright, but we haven't been in a broom cupboard for over an hour so we will see you soon." Then she disappeared back up the stairs still dragging Ron behind her.

Padma quietly whispered the password and the portrait seemed to dissolve allowing the heroes and the accompanying horde through into a room that was about half the size of the Great Hall and it was furnished as a meeting room. That is to say it had several rows of comfortable chairs all facing a podium that had a row of eleven very comfortable chairs towards the front of it and no sign of a lectern.

Everyone was wondering what to do when a House Elf arrived and in a panic said, "Headmistress. The parents of the heroes have arrived and the Minister has ordered the Aurors not to let them through the gates."

"The man is a buffoon." Odin said, "I will go and bring them here." Then with a smile he added, "Don't start without us." He disappeared.

Hermione turned to the ghost and asked, "You said that these were to be our accommodations, but please tell me that we don't need a room like this."

He chuckled, "This is a very clever room, it is normally a small entrance hall but you need a room for a conference so that is what it has become. It is almost a super version of what you refer to as the room of requirements, so when all of these people have left and you require a lounge study, that is what it will become and..."

"You can't Apparate in Hogwarts!" Molly Weasley's strident tones cut across the room, "So what just happened?"

Lavender, the Patil twins, Susan and Daphne had been orphaned by the war, so there were only two sets of parents; Hermione rushed across the room to her parents as did Ginny to her mother and hurriedly said, "Mum, please meet Odin, he is the chief God in Asgard and I don't think that gods need to Apparate."

Her mother was flummoxed and Ginny knew that Odin was famed for his temper so she turned towards him using her big innocent eyes and in her best 'good little girl' voice continued, "Mr Odin sir, my mummy sometimes gets a little excited and we both hope that she hasn't upset you and…"

Odin erupted in great gales of laughter and when he settled enough he said, "You little minx, there is no need to call me mister or sir, just Odin will do. I had been thinking of inviting you all to join us and take residence in Asgard but my mind is made up, please all eight of you come I really need this little red headed scallywag to keep me in order. You don't have to decide straight away, anytime in the next hundred and fifty or so of your years will do, I will leave you in Brynhild's capable hands." In a cloud of smoke he disappeared.

"Oh my!" Molly said and for the first time anyone, including Arthur, could remember she blushed.

OoOoO

The members of the octet had been mingling with the DA so their friends realised that Hermione and Harry were now perfectly all right so they gradually left along with Odd Lovegood who declared that he had quite enough for tomorrows Quibbler. Especially after he had been assured that he was at liberty to say that Harry and the cohort had no time for the Ministry in its present form because nearly all of the top echelon were simply self-seeking hypocrites.

This left the Headmistress, Professors Sprout, Moody, Flitwick and Lupin together with the parents of three of the girls, so the Headmistress said, "Really we were only looking to protect you from the Ministry sharks and to find out what it is that Godric would have you all doing here?"

The ghost answered, "Originally these were the rooms of the founders and with the demise of Helga, who was the last of us, they were closed until the time they were needed by a great hero and his hetaerae, that time is now. So here they may reside to draw comfort from each other, they are all far older than their berth years and if I understood Odin correctly they have all been invited to join the gods in Asgard so they will live forever.

"It would not be a bad thing giving some of the gods a home in the school, you will have no more problems with the fools in the Ministry attempting to usurp the independence of the school as you did a few years ago."

Brynhild took over, "They should each be entered in all of the NEWT examinations; Odin and I have passed on some rewards from other gods and they have a week to understand their new powers, that should be quite long enough."

Headmistress McGonagall didn't look too happy but she realised that it was only four weeks until the end of term so she said, "I see no reason not to trust them all to behave themselves until the end of the school year."

"It would be nice," said Brynhild, seeing an opportunity to ease the adults worries, "if we could have a traditional bonding ceremony on the eve of the last day of term, it will guarantee that they will behave themselves, the maidens have to ride to the ceremony on the back's of unicorn's."

Hermione's weren't the only plans that had to be put on hold for four weeks.

OoOoO

Breakfast on the last full day of term was usually a very happy affair but this year it was especially so, later in the morning there was to be a traditional bonding ceremony so everybody was in his or her finest robe. Remarkably even Ron and Luna were there, most probably because this was the time when the NEWT result letters would be handed out and seventh year students didn't miss that excepting the direst circumstances.

As the Headmistress stood the room became quiet and she said, "At the request of the relevant students there will be no award of top honours because, remarkably we have eight students who each scored a perfect twelve NEWTS at 'O+'. Also at their request their scores will not be entered into the annual student records roll, this is unfortunate as two of them would doubtless have set records prior to their rewards from the gods.

"Mr Potter I am sure that you did it just to prove that you are still human but on your Defence paper you wrote Hermione instead of harmony, however being as she had just helped you to defeat the Dark Lord everybody forgave you."

Excluding Harry and Hermione who both turned scarlet, everyone burst out laughing including Professor McGonagall; somehow the whole school had heard of Hermione's flight across the hospital ward.

Still smiling the Professor continued, "So seventh years, here are your examination results." The Headmistress touched her wand to a pile of envelopes that were in front of her place at the table and they distributed themselves around the hall.

The eight already knew their results and so were not bothered by the letters in any way, however Ron was looking at his envelope with abject horror so Luna picked it up and opened it. After reading his results she kissed him and said, "You passed all five. Two A's, two E's and an 'O' in defence." Then she kissed him again and dragged him away, presumably to a broom cupboard.

As the group were leaving the hall heading for their rooms to get ready for the ceremony, they noticed that everybody appeared to be reasonably happy with their results, Lavender asked Ginny, "What's Ron going to do now?"

"The twins are going to open another shop in Hogsmeade and he is going to run it for them, it should suit him down to the ground and as soon as Luna finishes here her dad wants them to run the Quibbler so he can spend all of his time searching for strange beasts."

OoOoO

Harry was stood before Odin under his favourite tree by the lake; he was dressed in his 'Alfr-Silfr' armour and as he was waiting for his ladies he was daydreaming about how they all came together…

_O-Harry's daydream.-O_

_It was at Grimmauld Place after sixth year, the house, which had twelve bedrooms, ten bathrooms and eight toilets two on each of the lower four floors. Sirius had left the house to Harry in his Will with the provision that Remus and Tonks were allowed to live there._

_Within a week of the school closing, due to Death Eater attacks, first Harry then the Grangers and a few days later four of the Weasleys were living there._

_Being responsible for his master's death Kreacher had had to commit ritual suicide a year previously to Harry and the running of the house had been taken over by Dobby and Winky. With no lack of funds from the Black Estate and directions from Remus and Tonks the happy House Elves had completely renovated the house and it was now, to every bodies relief, a mixture of Muggle and Gryffindor._

_Within a couple of days Luna was living there for her own safety and soon she and Ron could only be found with detailed searching of all of the cubby-holes; this had left Hermione free to follow her heart. She had had a long discussion with Ginny and they had concluded that they both loved Harry and Harry needed as much loving as he could get, so the would not fight they would share him._

_It had taken longer to explain this to Harry than to had to decide to do it originally._

_The next day Tonks had come home at lunchtime and explained to Harry and the others what had happened to Daphne, she was currently homeless and sitting in Auror headquarters. Harry looked for and found agreement from his other two girls and immediately invited her to come and live with them, notwithstanding the fact that she was in Slytherin and none of them knew her. She had been amazed and had almost fallen in love with Harry on the spot._

_The next day it had been much the same for Susan and Lavender and two days later it was the Patil twins who required succour and they all needed much assurance, comforting and love…_

_OEnd of Harry's daydream.O_

Remus shook Harry and whispered, "They are coming."

The seven girls were coming in single file each riding on a Unicorn, Hermione was in the lead with Daphne was bringing up the rear and they were both wearing their armour. The other five were clad in long white dresses and tall pointed hats reminiscent of Camelot, needless to say all seven of them looked amazing.

As ceremonies go this one was remarkably simple, Harry dropped some of his blood into a bowl that was in front of Odin and said, "I dedicate my soul to Hermione Jane Granger." She did the same but of course dedicated herself to Harry James Potter and this was repeated for the other six girls, all of their blood mixing in the bowl.

Odin held his hands above the bowl and said, "By the power invested in me as the Lord of the AEsir, I hereby bind these souls for all eternity." A golden glow came from the God's hands and covered the bowl, then a golden mist rose up from the blood and covered the eight being bound and the light of love was shining from them.

"I hereby decree that you are to spend your honeymoon in Alfheim, home of the Light Elves." He raised his hands and the eight disappeared, turning to those watching, he said, "They'll be back."

**PLEASE REVIEW**


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